Report of the United Partners of Young & Old Unemployed Radicals on the anti-immigration policy of the Island of Pathos in 2013
Published June 2014 By order of the World Institute of Non-Coercive Employment
Under the direction of WINCE we commissioned the Association of Work Organised Labour to research and report back on the events on the Island of Pathos earlier this year. AWOL are a well respected organisation in this field and employ the latest techniques and quality control procedures for work of this sort The report they made to UPYOURS makes grim reading recounting as it does acts of discrimination that are so blatant that we recommend that WINCE commence action to stop this happening again.
In order to be fair AWOL chose a comparable island, Bathos, to act as a control. The report follows.
Bathos and Pathos are two similar islands in the Pacific Ocean over a thousand miles from each other and other habitations. On December 31st, 2012 each island had a population of 100 people, all of working age, of whom 10 or 10% were unemployed.
At mid-day on January 1st this year a large helicopter arrived at each island carrying a factory unit underneath each containing the 10 people necessary to operate it.
The Bathosians welcomed the factory and the immigrant workers as an example of sustainable and diverse inward investment that they felt was due to their numerous liberal policies supporting diversity and multiculturalism.
On March 31st the Bathosian economists and sociologists, 10 in all, did some complex and advanced surveys and measurement for their report on the quarterly economic trends, which report they issued on April 5th.
This report showed conclusively how good the inward investment and immigration had been for the economy. Output had risen by 14.3% over the same quarter a year ago, total employment had risen to 100,(this included the 10 economists and sociologists and the 10 civil servants who collected taxes and produced programmes for the unemployed, the 70 workers, the 10 immigrants but not the 10 unemployed) whilst unemployment had fallen to 9.1% of the total poulation.
Output had risen from 70 in the previous year to 80 in this quarter or from 0.7 units per head to 0.727 per head, a rise of 3.9%. The additional tax revenue meant that the 10 economists and sociologists could work on preparing an intervention plan for the 10 unemployed out of the total population of 110 to gain the skills needed for working whilst at the same time prepare programmes to increase diversity in employment so leading to a greater likelihood of jobs being made available that the unemployed could do.
Pathos’s approach was, regrettably, quite different. When they saw the helicopter land and the new, extremely skilled, workers emerge they initially greeted them in a friendly fashion and put on a big feast for them and the crew. However on the morning of January 2nd they accompanied them all back to the helicopter and waved them off.
Faced with the problem of how to get the new factory working the Pathosians merely gave the factory manuals to the 10 unemployed and told them to get on with it. It took them until the middle of February to master the skills necessary and during this time there was much waste of materials and some injuries, none leading to disability or fatality due more to good luck than ability.
Since the Pathosians have no economists or sociologists the 31st March was a relatively quiet day with things going on as usual. They had their usual meeting for all islanders on the 5th of April. This meeting traditionally had to decide how each working islander would help the unemployed. The Pathosians have no taxation since they have the odd belief that the help they themselves give to the unemployed has great moral value whilst paying taxes for someone else to do it for you has none!
It took everyone some time to realise that there were no unemployed and that output appeared to be higher than before, higher perhaps than was necessary so they agreed to make the feast day of the island’s patron Saint a holiday. This is 23rd April.
It is impossible to know what to do with such a feckless people as the Pathosians. As they have no economists we are unable to say what their economic trends are and we have to assume that given the backward nature of the islanders that they will be worse than those of the Bathosians.
Whilst a programme of intervention is being prepared we recommend that we warn our people not to go to Pathos, that we prepare a PR programme using this case to inform our unemployed how lucky they are to be living in a diverse and multicultural society as ours and finally that if inward investment is ever made again to Pathos that under no circumstance should the manuals be included.
We at UPYOURS welcome the report and view its publication as the first step in the recommended PR campaign. We say to the unemployed, “Tell us which island you would prefer to live in?”.
Note to our readers:
ba·thos (bths, -thôs) n.